First, my congratulations to Baby Cambridge’s parents! My own childhood memories were brought back by the birth of my children. The guilt that comes with being a working mother. This article will discuss the reasons women feel guilty, and my tips to get rid of it.
I have missed many sports days, special assemblies and awards, as well as Christmas productions. Did I feel guilty? Yes. Did I envy my husband for being there with me? Yes. Are my children becoming angry beasts or psychopaths because I didn’t have their mom for special occasions? No. Truthfully, I felt a lot of relief after having my first child. Yes, I felt guilty for that as well!
I don’t believe that I am alone.
Let me share some of my research with you.
1) A great report by working mothers found that 51% feel guilty for not spending enough time with children. Yet, 51% of working moms feel guilty for not contributing to family finances. Over 50% are concerned about the condition of their house, and especially the kitchen, when they’re at work.
2) Pew Research Centre research found that only 10% of working women have the highest parental rating.
3) Professor Heather Joshi looked at data from 40,000 children for a period of 40 years. This is a positive finding. There was no correlation between children who do better at school and working mothers, she said.
Many working mothers feel guilty all the time. We feel guilty for not working hard enough. We feel guilty about not being there for our children at all special moments in their lives. We are guilty of being too exhausted to spend quality time with our spouses at the end. We feel guilty for not visiting our elderly parents. We feel guilty about not visiting extended family members (who always ask when we will be there). This feeling of being overwhelmed is common. My home and work will suffer if I spend too much time there. My work will suffer if I don’t take time to spend with my family. How can we reconcile this old issue of home and work?
These are my 7 Steps
1) Remember that you will have to make sacrifices if you want to balance motherhood and a career. Superwoman is not possible. There will be sacrifices. This is a fact. Fact. A few months ago, I decided to drive my children to school. They attend a school approximately 10 miles from their home. Yes, there is a bus that could take them to the school at the end. This is an important time for me. I know their lives, including the friends they have and the clubs they belong to, as well as the work they have been assigned. Yes, it can be difficult. Yes, it is frustrating at times. The benefits outweigh any negatives. How long can our children live with us?
2) Next, consider why you should work. What are your motivations for working? What does a career look like to you? I see a career as a combination of a financial incentive and a sense if purpose. This meaning is not available to me if I’m not working. Keep a list of all the reasons you choose to have a career. Consider what additional responsibilities you might have. Ambition is okay!
3) Define what it means to be a great parent. This is a great exercise for you and your partner. Talk for half an hour about what it means to be a great parent. What are the things you most remember about your parents? What would you do if you were a great parent? What would you do with your spare time? Our children don’t want to be around us all the time. What would your time together look like? We spend Sunday evenings watching TV together during winter. We also eat Fajitas together. It’s a wonderful time for us to all be together.
Ask your children. Yes. Ask your children. Ask your children what being a great mom would mean to them. It is amazing to hear what they have to say. My son wanted me to spend more time with him, rather than with everyone. My daughter wanted me to take her shopping more often! It is wonderful to get their feedback. Even though it can feel a bit scary, you don’t have to do everything that they ask. You will be so grateful that you both cared to ask. Ask!
5) Be present for your children. What does it mean to be present with your children? Let me share with you a story. This is the story of a father with a busy executive job. His son, aged 7, comes to his computer one evening and asks him if he would read him a story for bed. “In a moment.” Then he huffs and goes upstairs to grab the book. He reads it in record speed, gives his son an instant peck on the cheek, then returns to his work. He does this night and again. He does this until he finally decides to be there. Instead of getting frustrated at his son, the father asks himself “How would the greatest dad in the world read that story?” He shuts down his laptop and runs up the stairs along with his son. The story is read in a symphony, volume, and laughter. The drum roll is played and chapters are saved for the next evening. He gives his son an enormous hug before he returns to the basement. He didn’t need to wait any longer. The impact… it lasted a lifetime.